The 12 Steps of Transformation
By Vincent Tennyson, LCDC, Counselor
Addiction Recovery:
I recently spoke with a man going through early
opiate withdrawal. Walking back to my office, I was
transported back to those yesterday’s when I was in
that exact same position. I was angry, ashamed and
frightened; but I couldn’t tell you that. My addiction
transformed what was once a fruitful life into a little
blackened heap of ashes but strangely, I struggled with
willingness.
I didn’t like addiction recovery meetings—they wanted me to talk about
myself and I was afraid of that. I thought “if you knew
me like I know me, you would hate me as much as I
do,” and I couldn’t take that rejection. And sponsors?
They were always expecting people to do things like
make phone calls when they said they would. My
“sponsor” tried to influence me and, even though I
couldn’t look into a mirror and like who I saw, I wasn’t
about to allow someone else guide me. I mean, how
could someone else possibly understand my plight? Then
came the weirdest “suggestion”, freely give to others?
Not where I come from. Giving to others meant less for
me and I already didn’t have enough--didn’t matter
what it was, I just didn’t have enough.
So, on I went in my little addiction recovery journey, I say
“little journey” because it wasn’t long before I relapsed.
You see, I didn’t really want to stop using; I just wanted
to stop hurting. Fortunately for me, I had nowhere to
go and the ½ way house I lived in took me back but
insisted that I work a program. Cornered again. I once
heard “when the pain of remaining in a bud outweighs
the fear of blossoming, you will burst forth.”
So, reluctantly--tenuously I made a decision in step
3 to attempt living my life in 24 hour segments of time,
applying certain spiritual principles. I began to get relief
from the fear of living. I had been stuck on survive for
so long I had no idea anything else existed.
Working step 4 revealed a few surprises. I knew I
was selfish, I didn’t know the depth of my depravity. I
was terrified with the prospect of describing these things
to my sponsor. Willingness (even resistant willingness)
was all that was needed to start. When my sponsor
told me he suffered from the same character defects, I
was astounded, especially because he had peace. That
was an awakening--no, it was a fulfillment of my
deepest need at the time; I knew I wasn’t alone
anymore. I was set free from judging myself and
constantly finding fault. Getting to stop judging myself
meant I could stop judging you too.
The danger here is I tend to pat myself on the back
for all my good work. It’s important to remember,
working the steps doesn’t bring needed transformation,
step work only places us in position to be transformed.
Otherwise I get caught up in playing god again.
Steps 6 and 7 are the place of magic in the 12
Steps. It is the admission that even after all this work,
I am still selfish and self-centered and I can’t manage
life without God. When I find myself getting upset,
agitated or doubtful I pause. I admit that I am, once
again acting in a way that does not suit me, and I ask
God how I can change. Usually I get fresh perspective;
I always get to stop focusing on myself.
My favorite passage reads “like a dog returning to
his vomit, so a fool returns to his folly;” AA’s definition
of insanity. I need to learn to live in acceptance; to be
accepting of you and your faults and accepting of
myself and mine. If I can do this on a daily basis I can
have a measure of humility and the willingness to clean
up the wreckage I create with steps 8 and 9.
I will leave the rest of the steps for another time
and close with this; I hated meetings, sponsors and
accountability in my early addiction recovery stages, and yet
today these are some of the finest things in life. That
is confirmation I don’t always know what’s good for
me and reinforcement that I need to be willing to be
influenced by others.
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