A Single Candle Of Addiction Recovery
By Chaplain Bill Kornovich
Addiction Recovery:
Better to light a single candle than to
curse the darkness,” is a Chinese proverb that
has remained in my mind since the 1950s.
As a child I recall viewing the words on a
small, stark, black and white television
screen. The Christopher Society sponsored the TV program and
taken from their current web site: “The
Mission of the Christophers is to encourage people of all ages,
and from all walks of life, to use their God given talents to
make a positive difference in the world.” In recent years, I
have applied the proverb during Twelve Step lectures as well
as in individual patient sessions.
A virulent sense of guilt and shame can rapidly spread over
the soul of the alcoholic and addict as they struggle in early
addiction recovery. In our despair we curse the darkness of our addictive
past. Hopelessness can consume faith. We may find ourselves
cursing the darkness of our self-resentment. During such
challenging times I believe the proverb can speak directly to
our recovery. The guilt, shame and resentment of past alcoholic
and addictive behavior often do not find the light of our
understanding until sobriety. A battered spirit can be
overwhelmed for many as we struggle to remain clean and
sober.
A key element in Twelve Step work “one day at a time” is
the celebration of today’s sobriety. The disease wants no part
of addiction recovery and celebration. Like a malicious child tormenting
a caged animal, the addiction often pokes at the wounded
soul with the stick of guilt. The sharpened lance of
resentment can be employed by our affliction with wanton
effectiveness. Our common disease is proficient using these
weapons of destruction against us. The self inside replays the
painful memories and guilt of our defamatory behavior.
If we dwell, we rearm the disease. The proverb can offer
hope.
We need to focus upon lighting just one candle of
addiction recovery and sobriety today. We take responsibility for our
past and make appropriate amends. But we need to guard
against falling into the familiar cycle of guilt and shame,
followed by old ways of self-medication against the pain.
Then under the influence, we repeat addictive acting out
followed by the resumption of guilt, shame and self-loathing.
Thus the cycle spins in an endless spiral.
What can one single candle do in the vastness of our
emotional and spiritual abyss? How is the cycle broken?
The small light of one single candle is a beginning. Imagine
entering an expansive auditorium with no illumination, the
night nearly absolute. Then visualize igniting one candle, a
candle possessing a lifelong supply of wax and wick, a candle
that will go on burning unless we extinguish the flame. Longlived
though the candle may be, the lone and humble flame
is but one. Nevertheless, a small bit of illumination fans out
to the very corners. From the farthest reaches of the space
another person can receive the lone candlelight. That is if
the seer chooses to have an unobstructed view. If however,
an object blocks the candle’s light or the observer chooses to
place an obstruction between themselves and the source of
illumination, the candle cannot be directly viewed. The
humble glow is there for our benefit if we chose to eliminate
barriers. We have a daily choice.
Subsequently on the second day, one additional candle is
ignited for a total of two. Additional glow illuminates the
great space. Then on the third day another is added and so on
until thousands of candles burn within the auditorium.
Modest alone but powerful in numbers, the growing number
of candle flames steadily replace the void. Eventually there
will be no darkness. Total illumination displaces the
hopeless gloom.
Addiction recovery can be similar. The prospect of remaining clean
and sober for the rest of one’s life can be overwhelming,
dark with fear. Just one day at a time is sufficient. For
today is all we really have. Indeed, tomorrow is promised
to no one. If tomorrow comes, set just one more twentyfour
hour period of sobriety as the goal. On the following
day, the same goal, and so on. Eventually we shall see one
day of sobriety as a gift not merely necessity. The light of a
single day of freedom adds to a progressively brightening
future. Steadily with one day totaled to another and
another and another, until finally our life is complete and
complete recovery is ours on the very day we leave this life. In our
impatience however, we want the darkness gone now. We
want the devastation of the past cleared immediately. We
want relationships magically healed, trust fully restored by
day’s end. When all is not repaired instantly within the
moment, we can easily slip back into the darkness. If we
chose, we have the ability to snuff out all the candles. Or
we can seek the support of others like us and use their
experience, strength and hope to light yet another day of
sobriety.
Others in addiction recovery, our counselors and chaplains in
treatment, no one can predict how quickly an individual’s
darkness will be gone. Yet most who have preceded us in
AA or NA attest that the remaining darkness will be less
hopeless and less destructive with each passing day of
sobriety. Life will eventually get better if we simply do not
use today. We accept the fact that if we drink or drug again, the
chaos will return with devastating vengeance.
There will be life’s bumps on the addiction recovery road. The world
will not change just for us. How we respond to the world however,
must change. With help, we disallow our disease and human
impatience to keep us from the appointed rounds of our daily
work, lighting just one candle of recovery.
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