You Asked...
Friends In Recovery Answered
Question 1: What was your experience like living in a halfway house
(or structured environment) after treatment? Our readers want to know what to expect and
what others are saying about the experience.
While I was at Valley Hope Alcohol Rehab Center my counselor suggested I
consider going to an Oxford House after treatment. My home
life was not horrible but the relationship I was in was rocky to
say the least. Like many of us, I didn’t listen, in fact I pretty
much dismissed it during our meetings.
I got out of alcohol rehab at the end of November 2008. I quickly
learned that things were going to continue to be rocky, that it
didn’t go away just because I was sober. I decided we should
separate for a while and see if we could make it work. This
was the first time in my life I put my sobriety first. It was
uncomfortable but well worth it in the long run.
I took a day off of work to look for an apartment. I spent all
day looking. By the time I got home I was overwhelmed with
all the choices and more importantly the cost of rent. I wasn’t
sure I could make it alone financially...or alone, sober. I lie on
my bed and pray, from my heart, for God to help me accept
however this was supposed to turn out and to give me some
peace. Literally, 5 minutes later the phone rang. It was a friend
I went to the alcohol rehab with. She said “I was just calling to let
you know we have an opening at our Oxford House if you’re
interested”. I knew right then and there what I had to do.
So, in April 2009 I moved into the Oxford House. It was
scary...moving out of my house I had been in for 10 years and
moving in with a bunch of strangers. My fears quickly went
away with time and after seeing that these women were in the
same or similar situations as me. They were like me. They
wanted to stay sober, go to alcohol rehab meetings, and have a safe, sober
home. I won’t lie. There have been many tests of my patience,
love, and tolerance. All great lessons indeed. Those lessons
have helped make me a stronger person in sobriety and in life.
How else are you going to grow if you’re not tested, right?
After nearly 2 years at my Oxford House I’m venturing out
on my own. I’m scared and I’ll miss the girls but I feel it’s
time for me. I finally feel like I can live alone and stay
sober. I’ve chosen a place just down the street from my
Oxford House so that I can visit often. I’ve made lifelong
friends and feel stronger in my sobriety because of my
decision to move into that house. It’s something I’ll never
forget and will forever cherish.
~Jen M.
I moved in to a recovery house when I got out of Parker
Valley Hope Alcohol Rehab Center in late July 2010-I am still there and managing
the house now! I also work full-time. This transitional living
situation has saved my life and helped me tremendously.
One of my roomies just matriculated from Parker Valley
Hope in November 2010 and had 90 days clean yesterday.
~Joani P.
When I was preparing to leave Chandler Valley Hope, I
was trying to plan the rest of my life. My counselor susan
helped me with suggestions. I enrolled in Intensive
Outpatient,Continuing Care and went to outside meetings.
A suggestion that was difficult to take was “going to a
women’s halfway house”. I had an apartment all paid for
and lived alone. I had family who wanted me to stay with
them. All of these arrangements were things that I already
had been doing and obviously hadn’t helped me. I needed
to break the patterns that were established and part of that
was my living arrangement. Susan said I needed structure
and support and also needed to learn from the women.
She said,”To get something we’ve never had, we have to do
something we’ve never done.” I decided to do
EVERYTHING I could for my recovery. I wanted to grab
suggestions that were given to me like I would grab for water
if I were on fire.I have almost three years sober today. I am
‘badged’ to take meetings into the jails with the “alpha”
program and I share my experience strength and hope
there. The most important thing I can do in my life is
remain clean and sober to be a testament that recovery is
possible.The halfway house was an integral part of the
learning process. When I was there I saw women fail and
women succeed. I was able to learn from these women, and
find friends in recovery.
~Rachel T.
After treatment at Valley Hope Norton I went to a alcohol rehab
center in Hastings Nebraska. I was a married man of
47 with three children at home. There was drug abuse in
my family that continued after I went for treatment and
continues to this day, almost 4 years later. For me, the
time spent in the Recovery House was very important.
It helped me to establish new and healthy patterns for
day to day life. We each had our responsibilities with the
household duties we were encouraged to get jobs and get
back into supporting ourselves and take on responsibilities.
We were also required to attend our meetings. I feel that
the time spent changing my habits from bad to good was a
very instrumental part of my recovery process.
~Wade R.
When I went through Valley Hope over 22 years ago it was
suggested to me to go to a halfway house upon leaving
alcohol rehab because I took the suggestion and went to live
in an all women halfway house in Phoenix called Turning
Point. It was one of the best things I ever did for my recovery.
It was a safe environment to continue my life of recovery.
I wasn’t thrown back out into the destruction I had come
from. I gave up my apartment I had been living in when
I went to treatment and all my stuff went into a storage
shed. I learned how to be humble and learn to live
without. It made me very grateful for everything I had.
I now have over 22 years in recovery with no relapses. I
credit myself by listening to the winners and taking their
suggestion to go to a halfway house. I do not think I would
have been able to stay in recovery if I had gone right back
into living in my apartment again. My treatment would’ve
just been a 30 day spin dry so i could go back to my old
ways of doing things my way which got me into treatment
in the first place.
~Carol M.
My name is Chris and I lived in an Oxford House for a year or
so. I loved it at times and hated it at times. Looking back
now, I believe that the experience of living in one saved my
life, I’m not sure that I would be sober today if it wasn’t for
that experience.
~Chris W.
I am currently living in the Break Through House in Salina
KS. My first thought was that this was going to be very
difficult to adjust to, however it was not at all. I went right
from treatment to the Break Through House and made a
very good transistion. The rules of the house are very simple
daily living responsibilities. The others in the house hold
you accountable to attending meetings, meeting with your
sponser, and working the steps. The surroundings also
protect you from all of the outside influences may cause you
to drink such as family and old friends. I am really glad
that my counselor suggested the house.
~Rex M.
I have been clean and sober now since 18 May 2006, and if I
had not went to live at the Phoenix House for veterans in
Oklahoma City, you would not be asking for my feedback
today! It did not matter that I was just one step from going
to prison again, or that I was homeless, and still unemployable,
on foot, or isolated from wife, children, family, or friends who
no longer believed in me, I was not going to “subject” myself
to the humiliation of staying in one of those places...(as if
prison and life on the streets had more to offer!?)
Today, I am 56 years old, I have an Associate Degree in
Alcohol and Substance Abuse Counseling, and will receive
my bachelor degree this coming May. I am applying for
graduate school now, and am confident of acceptance at up
to three different colleges. Upon completion of my graduate
degree, I will be fully licensed as a Licensed Alcohol and Drug
Counselor, with specialization in medically assisted treatment
as well as working with co-occurring mental disorders and
also long term residential therapy within halfway homes, and
transitional living communities for my brother veterans,
reentering prisoners, and other newly recovering persons who
are willing to let go absolutely and to submit themselves to
the same simple program of living that is working for me and
countless others.
I will close by saying that I have learned how to live as a man
of means, which is what I was before addiction, and I have
now learned how to live within the fellowship of those who
may not be as outwardly blessed...and most of all, I am still
learning how to be content in whatever circumstance and
situations that I may be experiencing at any particular
moment; and for this I will forever remain grateful and blessed
by my God who knows no boundaries...Except for His Mercy
and Grace, I am free today!
~Charles
I’ve lived in several different halfway or Oxford houses. Like
anything else in recovery, you get out what you put into it. I
failed many times; one reason was even though I was living in
a recovery house, I still isolated. You have to embrace recovery
and become a “part of” not a “part from” what is going on,
even if that means it’s uncomfortable.
It’s all about perspective; the times I failed was because the
“halfway house was a bad environment and full of drama”
but the time I succeeded was because I was willing to go to
any length. The drama or environment didn’t matter, I had a
sponsor and a program to help me determine what was and
wasn’t healthy for me. I will always recommend a Halfway or
Oxford house for those new in recovery, it helps with so many
things (ego, community, work ethic, etc.).
~Jared A.
Question 2: How do I grasp and develop faith?
It’s like trusting the box of cereal you buy, or how computers
work. You have no idea what all is involved but you trust
in them anyway. I had to break it down to something that
simple and it just grew from there. Faith is not something
you SEE it’s something you believe will come through for you,
or that you BELIEVE will deliver.
~Deb L.
To grasp and develop faith, all I have to do is go outside and
observe nature. When I see flowers that grow, the seasons
change, the rain nourishing the earth, night-time to daytime,
I feel the essence of it. Then I can be sure that things are going
to be okay.
~Kathleen U.
I grasp and develop faith everyday by the miracles I see in
other people’s lives and my life.
~Shelley
I had no faith when I got sober and it took time to develop
faith. It didn’t just happen overnight for me. In the beginning,
I had to make myself get on my knees every morning and
say something like “give me strength to stay clean and sober
today and please don’t let me hurt myself or anyone else”. At
night, I would force myself to thank Him for helping through
another day. I knew I needed to change some things about
myself in order to have faith in others. I needed to stop lying,
cheating and stealing. I have always believed that you reap
what you sow.
After awhile, a strange thing happened; I started to feel better
about myself. I began to believe that I did have something
worthwhile to offer this world. When I began to see that I
was changing, my faith grew. Practice does make perfect when
it comes to cultivating a relationship with God. As it says in
the Big Book “He either is or He isn’t. Which will it be?” For
me it was He is either all or nothing. Half measures availed
me nothing. I have come to believe there is no other way for
this alcoholic and addict. I no longer am clearing away the
wreckage of the future, and I’m not packing around shame of
the past. I have faith that I am right where I am suppose to
be, in God’s hands.
~Suzie Z.
Seriously though, it is an ongoing thing for me. I certainly
have more faith today than I did when I walked through
the doors of Valley Hope many years ago. To be honest, I
had ZERO faith. I mean, come on, there was a lot of
hugging and crying and stuff that I just wasn’t ready to
become a part of. But something happened while I was
there. I felt better. It was the first time in a long time that
I actually felt okay…good even. That is what I grasped a
hold of. That was my faith. That a bunch of people from
all different walks of life were coming together, to help each
other, to lean on each other, to give each other that God
forsaken hug that I didn’t want. That is what did it for
me. From there, Chaplain Larry helped me to broaden
that faith. It happened during the quiet time in the chapel,
after I read my 5th Step to him. I made a decision to do
whatever I had to do to keep that feeling. And, so, 19+
years later, I’m still sober, I’m still happy, but most important,
I have a God today. How I got to this point is easy. I went
and still go to a lot of meetings. I still have a sponsor that I
am accountable to. I go to church. I give back whatever and
whenever I can. Most importantly, I keep God close and let
him be in the driver’s seat…I mean, most of the time!
~Joy H.
I have often struggled with developing my faith even after I It comes from within, once you
give up, the within comes out.
~Robin T.
Understood that it is the basis for my recovery. Telling myself
that there is a “Power Greater than Myself” goes against every
aspect of my controlling nature. I have seen evidence of this
power working at numerous times but yet just like my
alcoholism, I have often refused to believe it. The first tool
to develop for me was “Trust.” Once I learned to trust in
things ( my sponsor, the program and sometimes even myself)
it made the “Faith Issue” a little easier to grasp. I know I
must trust in my Higher Power at all times and to do this
requires me to allow things to happen in their own time
without me trying to control the outcome. There are many
things in this universe that I do not and will not ever
understand. Once I quit trying to analyze the workings of
life and my Higher Power and just trust in an outcome, I
somehow developed faith. Again, I still struggle and
completely get lost once in a while, but at least now I can
see this happening and ask for the help. As an isolationist,
I can get lost in my own head which basically closes that
conscious contact with my Higher Power, so I must surround
myself with people who understand me and will always be
there to help. My wife has been very ill this year and I
have missed a lot of the meetings I usually attend. I found
out something that was always said to me by my sponsor
(but as usual I must learn these lessons the hard way):
Attending meetings, sharing and being as involved as I can
is the true means to develop “Faith.”
~Steven Y.
Lack of faith comes from lack of experience. And lack of
experience (in this context) comes from trying to maintain
control. You think you surrender something and let it go by
acting like you don’t care anymore, yet if you look closely,
you’re still emotionally attached to the outcome. The key to
faith is developing confidence in oneself, in that by doing the
right thing in this moment, no matter what the outcome, and
trusting you’ll be okay. That confidence comes from learning
within ourselves we are enough. We deserved to be loved and
we intrinsically have everything we need to be happy and
fulfilled.
I certainly have no proof of anything in the future. What I do
have, is experience. The experience, that if I pay attention to
what I’m doing right now—do the best I can in this moment
and be the best human being I can be—my life is more fulfilling.
I know from experience that if I help someone else, as opposed
to doing something selfish, I’ll feel better about myself. I know
from experience that when I do the best I can, the outcome is
more acceptable, whatever it may be. By doing the best I can
in each moment, I am less invested emotionally in the outcome
because I have faith it will work out. So, I do have faith.
Faith that if I take the right action in this moment, something
I have no proof of—the future—will work out the way it’s
supposed to.
More simply put: it took committing to something long enough
to experience the miracle. Once I have the experience that my
life can be amazing in recovery, I have faith. The toughest
part is starting out without any experience...but as the saying
goes, the first step to change is always the most difficult one.
~Jared A.
Question 3: Can you give specific description of ‘enabling’? My friend struggles with alcohol
and I don’t want to be the ‘enabler’.
- Paying bills for someone who is spending their money on
alcohol, drugs, etc.
- Helping the drinker lie about dangerous behavior while
they are with their children or lying for the alcoholic such
as calling in sick to a boss for the drinker
- Making excuses for the dangerous behavior the drinker may
have while drinking.
- Buying alcohol for the drinker under the threat that if you
don’t, they’ll drive drunk and go get their own bottle
- Bailing the drinker out of jail repeatedly from DUI’s, etc.
- Giving the drinker everything they want (including
ridiculous orders) in order to keep the peace
- Accepting responsibility for the problems caused by the
drinking, including telling yourself and others that the
problems are your fault.
Enabling, in a psychological or counseling sense, is activity
you do for someone else that essentially keeps them from facing
life on life’s terms, or keeps them from maturing and acting as
a grownup. Enabling is also a form of mistrust. When we
do things for other people that they should be doing for
themselves, we are saying that we don’t trust them to do it
right. When we let people handle their own affairs, we are
growing up ourselves... we are learning how to really love them...
we are learning how to really respect them... we are gaining
freedom from a burden we had no right to carry.
~Trenda S.
Enabling is anything that you do to make it easier and more
comfortable to allow or help your friend to drink. This
includes, helping her to escape any consequences that may
result from her drinking, or not allowing her to experience the
growth that comes from facing our own consequences. We
do not change because we SEE the light, we change because
we FEEL the heat. Let her feel the heat. This is not being
‘mean’ to your friend. This is giving her the DIGNITY to
live her own life and make her OWN choices.
~Debbie C.
Enabling is helping a alcoholic continue their addiction by
covering up and making excuses for their behavior thus making
them feel better about their bad choices. The enabler is
experiencing denial of the true emotions they live within the
relationship. This helps them deal with the shame and hurt
that the addiction is causing in their life. It is my opinion
that a enabler is as sick as the alcoholic themselves. You can
love the alcoholic but by enabling them you can also LOVE
THEM TO DEATH!
~Jeff L.
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