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Friends In Recovery Answered
Question 1. When you think about Step One, what
thoughts come to mind? What event or feeling
occurred that helped you understand your own
powerlessness and unmanageability?
Saying I was powerless over crack cocaine addiction was pretty
easy. Admitting my life had become unmanageable was a
little more difficult. While I was using, especially at the end,
I knew crack had me beat. I couldn’t control my use. It was
truly progressive, and I did try to stay away from it, but
couldn’t. It occupied my every thought. My body needed it
and I even liked the lifestyle. I used a lot and it took me a
long way down. I still had the belief that my life was still in
my control. I only used in Topeka but not when I was home
in Kansas City. My life split into two worlds. I seemed to
believe that my life in Kansas City was manageable since I was
clean. But when I started going to using every night, and I
couldn’t even give my son the attention he deserved, I knew my
worlds were fusing together in utter turmoil. I was letting my
marriage of 18 years go and I didn’t care. That’s when I got
honest with the people in my life at home and realized I needed
inpatient drug addiction treatment to leave crack alone. I needed to get my life
back together. Before I went to Valley Hope, I admitted to
myself and others that my life was totally unmanageable.
Actually, admitting these things, came as a great relief. My
lying could stop, and my chaotic lifestyle could end. I’d say
Step 1 led me to the beginning of a new me. I’m truly grateful
~Melanie L.
Hmmm…Step 1…I could probably write a book on it. Glad
you asked! Powerless - that’s the key word. No power over addiction. Power
equals control. The more powerful something or someone is,
the more it controls. I finally realized I had no control. It
truly does take going to your “bottom.” I’m sure there are
plenty of psychological blatherings out there to explain it
however I’ve never been able to understand the psychological
end of it. All I know: I lost control of my life, my ability to
attain my hopes and dreams. Heck, I couldn’t even hang onto
what I had. Someone once told me, if you walk past a dog
on a chain 16 times and he bites you every time, odds are,
the 17th time will be no different. It’s true, I walked past the
dog the 17th time, and sure enough, he bit me again. Over
the years, I’ve pet the dog, fed the dog, cursed the dog, kicked
the dog, but almost every time I came within the chain length
of the dog, I got bit. The 17th time he drew blood and I
knew if I didn’t get help, I was going to bleed to death. It’s
when I looked down and saw myself bleeding that I knew
that every time I went within chain length of that dog, I was
powerless. That dog’s got a name and it’s “alcohol addiction.’ I tried
to kill him several times, but had no luck. I tried to shorten
his chain but that didn’t help, I finally realized that he was
going to bite me ever time I got close to him, so, I quit going
close to him. I’d like to see him die of starvation, but he’s
too powerful for that, so I’ve learned to live with him. I just
don’t feed him or go near him anymore. When I get the urge
to go out and pet him, I’ve found that going to an AA meeting
is all that is required to stop that urge. I know I’ll always
have to live with that dog, but I’ve learned that all I have to
do is stay out of biting range. He’s way too powerful for me.
~Dennis M.
When I think about Step One, the first thought is “I am
definitely weak when it came to ANY mind altering
drug.” The idea of weak wasn’t too easy to get. I
thought I had everything under control in my life and I was
fooling all my friends and family. It wasn’t so! I was living
with my son, his wife and his girls at the time. He has four
daughters all under the age of five. I got up to get some
medicine to help me sleep and drank it down with a couple
of drinks. I had taken 32 sleep-aids and drank 4 beers. I got
up to go to bed and fell right in front of the whole family.
The girls started to cry, telling me “Nana are you gonna die?
Please get up Nana!” I realized I didn’t want to die in front
of them and that I needed to get help because I was weak in
trying to help myself. I ended up in drug addiction treatment at Valley Hope and I thank
God everyday for giving me my life back. I just have to add
that; although I may be weak in controlling drugs, I was strong
enough to get treatment!
~Michele J.
My foremost thought when I think of “powerlessness” is my
inability to stop drinking beyond the first drink. Once I ingest
the first drink, all caring thoughts or feelings for those I claim
to love the most are moved to the back row and the
overwhelming power of my addiction takes over and those
people just don’t count anymore. The “unmanageability” in
my life follows shortly after that first drink as well. Once I
am on my way to a spree I start strategizing the lies and
manipulation that will replace my responsibilities for the
following day. While in the throws of drinking the vicious
cycle of “I just don’t care” affects every corner of my being
and is a clear sign of my powerlessness and unmanageability
when presented with that first drink!
~Tom L.
I first had to accept Step One as it pertains to my addiction.
Understanding the disease angle was key. As I worked thru
the steps, I realized how many other things in life I was
powerless over and I struggled with that notion. And then, as
growth continued, it became okay to not be in control of
everything or to have it all figured out! A miracle called the
promises.
~Bill J.
Life is a grindstone. Whether it polishes you up or grinds
you down depends on what you’re made of.
Question 2. What does an addiction craving feel like and what
should I do when I get one?
For me, an addiction craving can range from a whisper in my head like,
“Wouldn’t it be nice...” or “I wish I could...” to an all
consuming desire to pick up a drink. At times, cravings will
even come in the form of a vivid dream where I can see, smell
and even taste the alcohol that I consumed before I began
my road to recovery. My addiction is patient and will try to
get me back and lure me back into its grips through any means
necessary and when my body is also urging me to give into
it, that is when I have to protect my sobriety with all the
ferocity I used to protect my alcoholism. When my disease
calls to me: through cravings, I pray to my Higher Power,
read my Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book, call my sponsor and
go to an addiction meeting. I remember the hell I put myself through
(body, mind, spirit, soul) as well as my family and I am grateful
for any moment, hour or day I have a reprieve from my
addiction. If my craving is of an all consuming and insistent
nature, I surround myself with people who understand. I
talk, I share and then I listen to people who have what I
want...sobriety. My disease wants me alone, to tell me no
one understands, it’s too much, it’s hopeless and that I can
just have one. It’s up to me to combat those lies with truth
and support. I wish you all the best.
~C.W.
I came to addiction treatment in Valley Hope in 1980, but thought I was too young
to be an alcoholic. I returned in 1993, because I was finally
able to look at myself and saw that I was an alcoholic,
especially when looking back at my past and the 13 years
from 1980 to 1993. A craving feels like a gigantic sudden
desire to drown my feelings and you don’t think about the
repercussions of what your actions might be before you
decide to take that drink. I remember being told “you are
not responsible for your feelings,” but, “you are responsible
for your behavior.” I thought I was responsible for my feelings,
however, once I took the drink, I took no responsibility for
my actions. It’s the first drink that gets you drunk. I am
happy to say that I haven’t had a drink of alcohol since
September 17, 1993. Thanks Valley Hope.
~Linda W.
Strangely enough, I have not had many real cravings for
alcohol. What my twisted brain thinks about occasionally is
remembering what that first sip tastes like. Since beer is my
primary addiction, I am constantly bombarded with it’s
exposure via magazines, billboards, television, radio, stores,
and at restaurants. There is no escape from it. Last summer,
I was at the world famous Arthur Bryant’s BBQ in downtown
Kansas City on a smoking hot day outside and ordered my
regular pork and ham combo topped with the tastiest, greasy
fries you ever put in your mouth. The person ahead of me in
line ordered my usual drink of choice, a draw of Budweiser.
That didn’t bother me whatsoever, but when I saw the cashier
hand it to him, my brain went on overload. It was the
proverbial TV beer. Real glass, freshly iced from the freezer,
the vision of yellow diffused through the overflowing foamy
head sliding down the mug sent my thoughts reeling. It was
if I could taste it in merely staring at it. Cunning, baffling,
and powerful? You bet. Immediately, I quenched that vision
with the fact that if I tasted that first sip with my sandwich,
I would definitely be back for a frozen pitcher of the same
and then another one. The mystique of remembering what
that frozen glass against my lips felt like, I hurriedly reminded
myself that I was totally powerless over my addiction and
remembered that the first sip was the only one I ever truly
tasted. The only one. After that, it was solely liquid. And
after that, the madness would set in again. I don’t need that
today, thanks to the tools I learned from drug addction treatment at Valley Hope, but I never
forget that alcohol is still hammering away in the back of
my twisted-thinking brain either. Today, and only today, I
now have a choice. Thankfully, I will be sober.
~John P.
When I feel a craving, it’s usually a short-lived (5-10 minutes)
period of pain in my shoulders, neck, and head accompanied
by rapid, irrational and negative thoughts. Nine times out
of ten, (for me) the thoughts come first and if I allow them to
become repetitive and obsessive, then the physical craving
follows. My addiction cravings can be triggered by anything from the
stress of an argument, to sights, sounds, smells and even
memories of using.
1. Try to view the craving in a matter-of-fact way. Having an
addiction craving does not mean that you are unmotivated - or that you
are doomed to relapse.
2. Learning about your craving triggers, and how to manage
them, will be an important part of your recovery after treatment.
3. Try anti-craving behavioral strategies, such as the 5-minute
contract (making a contract with yourself not to act on the
desire for the next five minutes, and then engaging in a
distracting activity in the meantime.) Many urges are shortlived.
You will find they are weaker if you can “surf through”
the first few minutes.
4. Call upon the guidance of a sponsor, counselor, clergy
member...just about ANYone who can keep your mind in the
program and off of using. You should seriously consider
attending 12 Step meetings regularly. This will keep most
intense cravings at bay because an active program produces
an inactive addiction. If you don’t have a sponsor yet, try
putting as much energy into finding one as you used to put
into finding a way to satisfy your cravings.
5. PRAY
~Kristina S. (Clean & Serene 66 days)
Craving!. For me, a craving is something like hunger. My body
tells me when I’m hungry. I start getting weak, and that sends
signals to my brain telling me I need to eat something. For
me, addiction craving works much the same way. Circumstances
cause my alcoholic mind to over react to simple things.
The most common are small “buttons” or “triggers” that the
addiction knows will set me off. For me, it’s when I let the
derogatory thoughts fester that I know I’m running low on
fuel. My way of refueling is to go to drug addiction meetings. I think it’s
mostly just being proactive in doing something to resolve issues
in my life. The most simple way to do that is to go to meetings.
It never ceases to amaze me, the way the meetings dissolve
my so called “dilemmas.” It’s like magic for me. I could go
into how God plays his part, but sometimes that part is so
great I just can’t come up with the words. All I have to do, is
let God help me, and He surely does. The key I think is
getting to the point of recognizing even the smallest of cravings,
and at THAT point, make up your mind to go to a meeting,
pray, call someone, but DO resolve to not let the addiction
trick you. Don’t let it be bigger than you, that’s why I always
accept God’s big ’ol helping hand. He keeps it outstretched
for me 24/7.
Good luck, later dudes and dudettes.
~Dennis M.
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