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Friends In Recovery Answered
Question 1: My wife divorced me 18 months after I found recovery. How
do you deal with loss of family, divorce and tough, life-changing
issues while in recovery?
This immediately came to mind! God, God, and more God!
Drug rehab meetings, meetings, and more meetings! Sponsorship,
sponsorship, and more sponsorship! Big Book, Big Book,
and more Big Book! Work the steps, work the steps, and
more work the steps! Fellowship, fellowship, and more
fellowship! …and not in that exact order!
~Tom L.
Don’t drink, go to meetings and leave your x-wife alone,
with large emphasis on the x. If you have kids, do what
you’re supposed to do, acceptance – try to keep a positive
attitude.
~Unknown
To me, no loss can be any greater than sobriety. If I lose
that, my ability to deal with events such as the loss of a
loved one become impossible. I have had many trials in
my sobriety, but I now practice life on life’s terms. I have
already been through enough hell because of my drug addiction,
no one thing can be any worse than that. The strength I
have in my Higher Power has led me to a new understanding
that it is his will and not mine.
~Bob E.
This is too familiar. My wife and I split not long after I
went to the Valley Hope Drug Rehab Center. Several years ago, we talked on the
phone. She was feeling ill, but I could not convince her to
go see the doctor. The next morning I called, no answer.
She had African Grey (parrots) plus 2 dogs, so I went over
to see if I could help take care of the critters. When I got
there, the love of my life was stone cold dead. The way I
deal, is to love the dogs with my whole heart (parrots were
adopted.) From time to time I put a knee on the ground
and thank the one who got this started. Life is a miracle,
recovery is a blessing. I walk the dogs every day and say
hello and shake hands with each person I see. What can I
say. Give it back and you’ll be rewarded.
~Will L.
To me, you deal with the loss of a loved one or the loss of a
marriage the same way you deal with the loss of active
addiction. I went through a divorce at about 2 years sober
and found myself making drug rehab meetings 5 days a week and
inviting others out for coffee afterwards. I rededicated
myself to working the steps, spent more time in reading the
literature, prayed constantly, and took time to listen for
the answers. Through all of this I grew closer to my sponsor
and other male friends in recovery. While that burden
was hard for me to carry alone, the group was able to carry
it away with ease. In the end it all worked out exactly
how it was supposed to and thankfully I was able to stay
out of my own way.
~Bill B.
I truly understand. I married a man that I thought only
had a few beers when he went out to eat. I was wrong. He
knew I was a recovering alcoholic and I did have a few years.
When he drank, which was every night, he became very
affectionate and “huggy.” I could not take it and the thought
of drinking did enter my mind. I told him there had to be a
choice and so he was going to go stay with either his daughter
or his son and make the choice. He did, and I was served
divorce papers. It was so very hard to accept the fact that
he would choose liquor over me. I felt so down and like
such a failure. Then some people made me take a look at
the fact of the Serenity Prayer and I have no control over
anybody but myself. When really taking an inventory over
it, I realized that it was for the best and that my Higher
Power would want me to be sober and I was just worrying
over what other people thought which has always been one
of my greater weaknesses.
~L.B. T.
Fortunately, I didn’t have anything like that happen to
me. But, 18 years ago my first wife divorced me and kept
the kids. My kids will hardly speak to me. I am sure I
could have won them back if lots of things hadn’t happened.
I had to pull myself by the boot straps and it started with
spirituality. If this person could watch Oprah on TV now,
he could learn a lot. He can get on the web and the series is
“Best Life.” Hope this helps him. Sorry it turned out this
way for him. Getting dry was enough for me.
~Larry H.
Pray about it and talk about it with your recovery friends.
God closes one door but he always opens another one. He
will help you through the new door he has opened for you, if
you just ask for his help. I always find that writing down
what part I played in the situation is always helpful. I journal
my thoughts and feelings about the situations. Sometimes,
our families and friends do not know how to “deal” with the
new sober person. Some of them have only known us while
we have been in active addiction. After my divorce, I decided
that was my time to work on what makes me happy. What
do I want out of my NEW life? What do I enjoy doing now?
I found that until I can be happy with myself, I can’t be
happy in a relationship. Just take life One Day At A Time.
You never know what will happen. Start each day with a
new attitude and plenty of gratitude.
~Billie H.
Question 2: I seem to struggle in the winter months with cold weather and
wonder how others deal with the winter blues and cabin fever
in recovery?
When I’m struggling, no matter what time of year, I’ve found
that calling my sponsor and a couple of friends in recovery
was the best solution. Drug rehab meetings, meetings, and more meetings are
also good! Take Care!
~Best Regards, Jared L.
What a great question! To cope with cabin fever and the
winter months, I do exercise DVD’s in the morning; stock
up on books; and check out movies from the library. The
busier I keep, then the better the winter goes for me.
~Julie P.
During the winter months, I go out to the movies more
often, I find a friend who has the same day or night off as I
do and we go check out a new flick.
~Mike S.
I go to a few more drug rehab meetings, work through my steps again,
continue with working out and avoid isolation. Stay active
with others, because when I’m alone I’m with the last person
I used with.
~Brett B.
Ask your 12 Step group to have at least 3 meetings a week,
and if you can every evening be in a meeting.
~Larry L.
Cold weather is a depressing time and one needs to be aware
and prepare as best we can. Don’t be afraid to call another
who is in the program and always keep in touch with your
sponsor because your sponsor, is, after all, your friend and
we all need friends in trying times. If you don’t have a
sponsor, it is time you do.
~John P.
The winter months cause lots of people depression--not just
those of us in recovery. My “earthling” wife suffered terribly.
We found that brighter rooms, with plenty of heat were a big
help. We’ve loaded our house with plants and grow lights for
them the past couple of years and it brings summer time inside.
Hope this can help you too.
~Dan F.
I spend the winter doing the same things I would in the
summer. I know that I was sure at the bar, rain or shine,
so I can still be at that meeting or spending time with
people in recovery.
~Danielle L.
For me, I have found that the winter blues are often cured
by continued work with others. I have to stay in touch
with my sponsor, drug rehab meetings, and even making an effort to
get back for Renewal Days. I am fortunate to have a job
that I have plenty of free time for some good hobbies. I
exercise regularly, meaning a minimum of 4 times a week.
Not cooping myself up inside for too long. Being outside
and getting some sunlight whether real sunlight or “fake”
sunlight is critical and the body needs that light.
~Shane S.
I find that making more phone calls and reaching out to
others seems to work for me. The more I talk to others
(especially in recovery) the more I find my own trials and
tribulations aren’t so bad. It really helps me to “get out
of myself.” Sounds simple, but lots of things “sound”
simple--it’s the taking action part that takes some effort.
“Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly
followed our path.”
~Steve S.
The most difficult time to deal with desires is when you
have nothing to do. Keep a list of things that you might
want to get done. They could be small chores or projects.
Add entertainment to the list. A book that you want to
read or renting a movie. If you know there are times that
there is not much going on, see if there is a meeting at that
time (in larger cities there are meetings at different times of
the day.) New meetings can mean meeting new people
that might be there for the same reason you are. Maybe
one of them or a friend might just want to go to the local
mall and walk around. Bottom line is keeping your mind
busy.
~Kevin R.
I go to more meetings and hang out with safe people who
support me.
~Max B.
I started drinking to feel accepted;
I ended up an outcast.
I drank to escape;
It made me a prisoner.
I drank to be happy;
It made me depressed.
I drank for courage;
It made me afraid.
I came to AA to quit drinking;
I found acceptance, freedom, happiness, and courage.
I stayed in AA and I started living.
~Scott T.
I originally used to think the winter months were the hardest
for me. I grew up in Central Arkansas and always enjoyed
the warmer weather over the cold. I have learned to bundle
up and walk through the fear. I now make sure to scoop
snow when it snows, and I also make sure to attend more
meetings and functions during the winter times. As time
has went by in recovery, I have learned to enjoy and accept
the weather as it is.
~Jeremy S.
Hi, my husband is in the restaurant business and has late
hours. About three years ago this is the time when I would
either get a sitter and go out to drink or sit at home and
drink “at him.” Not anymore! I started doing something
last year that helps me and helps my friends. I open my
home every Saturday night and I cook. Of course, others
may join me in the preparation of the meal, but so far,
they like to watch. I do enjoy the cooking and entertaining.
We all chip in for groceries or raid our refrigerators.
Sometimes, we even do take out. The cool thing is this
gives us all an outlet to feel normal. I have children, so I
have my friends bring over their kids as well if they wish.
No need to pay for a sitter! We may do as many courses as
we can eat, we don’t have to tip the waiter, we can linger
and talk, or even watch a movie. Dessert or coffee anyone?
It’s something for everyone to look forward to each week.
We have different friends show up from time to time and
there are a few regulars. Hmmm…I guess we’re all still
drunks, but not active these days. Anyway, it’s a lot of
fun. I highly recommend it. Thank you.
~Lindsay W.
Drug rehab meetings, meetings and some more meetings helps me. For
me (I live alone) I put model cars together so I think a
hobby helps me a lot--wood working, puzzles, scrap books
and other crafts. Treat yourself--go for coffee after meetings
with other program people. EXPAND YOUR MIND--don’t
sell yourself short.
~Kent M.
The blues, yea. This I understand a great deal of. You see
in October of 2005, my mom was said to be in complete
remission from cancer. A week later, my husband of 19
years was diagnosed with cancer. December 13 of ’05 he
turned 40, December 21 he left this world, December 24th
I buried him at Floral Haven. December 28th he wasn’t
here for our 20th anniversary. This is a very hard, lonely
time of the year for me so I make sure I get up every day
and pray. Some days I repeat this, I take a shower, make
myself look like a human being, I call my kids, old friends
that mean a lot to me who have been there with me, my
brother who isn’t afraid to talk to me about “Izzy” and he
never fails to make me smile, but then I turn on my night
light and I journal, cry, laugh and write memories I thought
were long gone. I allow myself to cry and it’s okay today to
be sad. I remind myself if I were never sad, how could I know
when I was happy? Just before I go to sleep I call my grandson,
“Jaxx” and that’s what gets me to sleep and through another
depressed winter night and day. I’m hoping to read this
section and get new ideas, God knows I’m open to try what
has worked for others. I would be saying this at a meeting if
my car were running so if you’re out there and you have a
car, go to every meeting you get the chance to hit. Pick up a
friend and then smile because you’ll remember, you can keep
it today because you gave it away. I cannot think of a better
way to beat the blues. Love to you all, in memory of my
greatest supporter, “Izzy.” God Bless
~Janet I.
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