Family Matters II
By Mike Japenga, M.Div., LSAT, Counselor II
Rehab Centers:
We have all worked with patients at the rehab center
who come to us with a strong condemnation of themselves for being an addict/
alcoholic…“I should have known better,” “how did I end
up this way?” “Why can’t I just stop like my uncle did?” I
think it is one thing to admit being an alcoholic/addict and
another to come to some level of acceptance. One seems to
be a matter of the head, the other a matter of the heart.
Acceptance of course can take years. The principles of the
12 Steps
certainly have the power, when rigorously worked,
to take away the hold of shame and anger at being afflicted
with a truly cunning disease that is still thought by some to
be a “choice.” Sometimes family members are included in
the “some” who see drug addiction and alcoholism as a
massive character flaw or personal failure. Thankfully, we
know better. I have worked with the families of addicts/
alcoholics for quite a few years now and I see the same
hurt, pain, confusion, guilt, and shame in them that I see
in many of the addict/alcoholics with whom we all have
worked. Truly, this is a family disease. It is interesting to
note the way the DSM IV criteria can be applied, in their
own way, to family members as well as the addict/alcoholic.
I review the criteria when working with family members
and loved ones and this sometimes helps. However, some
still see that their loved one simply needs to “suck it up”
and make a choice to stop being an addict/
alcoholic…problem solved.
I sometimes share a story during family group
at the rehab center of a past parishioner named Alvin.
Alvin was a good man with a
beautiful singing voice which rang out on Sunday mornings.
He was married to his wife for about 50 years. One time, I
observed Alvin running his hand up another woman’s skirt.
The look on his face did not suggest he was just being helpful
or friendly. I ask family members what they think of Alvin’s
behavior and of Alvin himself. Inevitably, they respond
with disgust at his hypocrisy and unfaithfulness. I listen
to their judgments for a while and then mock apologize for
failing to mention that Alvin was afflicted with a chronic,
progressive disease called Alzheimer’s. Sometimes one can
hear the air go out of the room. This has always led to a
productive talk about the disease of addiction and the
related behaviors which are so hurtful and destructive. No
one has ever been willing to condemn Alvin for his
behaviors once they realize that he was the victim of a
disease he never asked for. I have never met an addict/
alcoholic whose fondest dream was to one day become
enslaved by a chemical, have his/her life destroyed, betray
closely held values, spend a lot of money on treatment,
and accrue a deep sense of self-loathing.
When family members can embrace that there is a solution
to the problem of addiction, power and positive purpose reenter
their lives as well. They no longer wait in anxious
agony for their beloved addict/alcoholic to get “fixed” so that
they can enjoy peace and serenity again. The gift of the 12
Steps is not just for the addict/alcoholic, but also for families
who have also developed anger, blaming, self-loathing, and a
profound resentment at how life could get so bad. Recovery
is done best together, always being mindful of course, that we
cannot choose recovery for another. There is a certain beauty
and rhythm to people who love each other working the parallel
paths of their own recoveries. Perhaps this is the only time
when a parallel path can bring us closer to one another. God
does cool stuff all the time. Perhaps with an attitude of trust
and surrender, family members can also come to accept that
they love someone with the disease of addiction. Perhaps
nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by
mistake.
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